#1
|
Patrick TakemeHolms (8 - 6)
|
TROPHIES & AWARDS
NFL Equivalent
1998 Minnesota Vikings
Just like the 1998 Minnesota Vikings Hiller rode the greatest receiver corps in history to a championship (don't look it up, trust me they totally won a Super Bowl). Hiller had the best WRs the DDFL is likely to ever see. He had The WR #1, #2, & #3 this year in Kupp, Samuels, and Chase. Kupp had the 2nd best season by a WR ever, Deebo averaged over 15 ppg, and I am still trying to forget the pounding I took from Ja'Marr Chase in the Championship, which was the 7th best game by a WR in history (what he lacked in size he more than made up for in power). Remarkably, both Samuel and Chase were traded to Hiller by some asshole who obviously doesn't know shit. Hiller took a sub-par draft and elevated his roster through valuable transactions throughout the season the true visage of a champion!
|
MVP - Cooper Kupp, WR
Cooper Kupp had a historically good season this year, and was a huge part in Hiller lifting the DDFL trophy this year. Kupp's season was second all time only trailing '07 Randy Moss by 12.4 pts. To put that in perspective Kupp outscored ALL of Clayton's WR corps in 2021! That is insane value!
|
GRADE
|
RANK
|
START RANK
|
Season-ending Draft Grade
|
22%
|
8th
|
9th
|
#2
|
Gary Andersons Right Foot (8 - 6)
|
TROPHIES & AWARDS
NFL Equivalent
Terrell Owens
The first to tell you that he is the GOAT, but always seemed to fall just short of a championship. An ego so large it will not fit in the silver throne of second place. Similarly, Chase "That's my quarterback" Sperry held onto a Cowboys QB for far too long. Hopefully a loss will teach this cry-baby bitch a lesson in humility. Despite inarguably the best draft in the league, GARF managed to trade/drop away his hopes for another ring. Here are just some of those examples:
|
GRADE
|
RANK
|
START RANK
|
Season-ending Draft Grade
|
100%
|
1st
|
1st
|
This was the single best pick of the draft, getting a top 5 RB in the 12th round rarely happens. The only thing is, it didn't amount to anything for GARF as he dropped him early, instead Connor cheated on GARF with his wife and provided her with all the value.
|
McCaffrey seemed to be a steal falling to the 4th pick, and the games that he did play he did seemed to be his old self, but injuries derailed his season. Luckily with a season of 1st round busts, this didn't set back GARF's roster too much.
|
#3
|
Butt Fumbles (10 - 4)
|
TROPHIES & AWARDS
NFL Equivalent
1986 Marino Lead Miami Dolphins
Unlike Marino in 1986, Donn is definitely not the new hotness to the DDFL. In fact, Donn is so old that he still insists that internet porn is a "fad" and chooses to keep a collection of Sears underwear catalogs featuring models who died of old age in 1995 in his spank bank.
Similar to the '86 Dolphins despite riding an incredible year from their all world QB, it only achieved mediocrity. Donn, even if you polish that bronze medal as much as you do the piece of jerky between your legs it will never be gold! |
GRADE
|
RANK
|
START RANK
|
Season-ending Draft Grade
|
67%
|
4th
|
5th
|
Melvin Gordon ended up the RB17 last year which is a RB2 or a top end FLEX option! This may be surprising as he didn't have much fanfare, but he had multiple double digit weeks including a 23pt performance over DET. Not bad for an 8th round pick. Donn drafting RBs as old as he is worked out this time.
|
#4
|
Honey BBQ Badgers (9 - 5)
|
TROPHIES & AWARDS
NFL Equivalent
2014 7-8-1 Playoff-bound Carolina Panthers
The Carolina Panthers are arguably the WORST team to ever win a playoff game. Dorktown has a wonderful exploration on them. This was Triss' season, as she never ranked higher than 5th in the power rankings, but routinely was in the bottom quarter. Somehow she parked those womanly cheeks right in a playoff seat, stealing it from someone far more deserving. Leonard Fournette proved that he could carry the human sized football named Triss. Her roster making the playoffs is everything I hate about fantasy football, a player with a shitty process lucking into success and then lauding their "galaxy brains".
|
GRADE
|
RANK
|
START RANK
|
Season-ending Draft Grade
|
44%
|
6th
|
7th
|
The hype for Sermon was real. 3rd rd talent joining Shanahan to OBVIOUSLY take the lead role, the upside was huge. Triss obviously never learned not to trust Kyle Shanahan as when you expected him to zig, he instead he drops a Chipotle spicy shit on your shoulder.
|
#5
|
Duncan Doornuts (7 - 7)
|
TROPHIES & AWARDS
NFL Equivalent
Andy Dalton
The comparison of Ellie to Andy Dalton is uncanny. Ginger? Check. Unremarkably average? Check. For years Andy Dalton was the measuring stick for average QB play in the NFL. This year average was exactly what my wife was. She finished 7-7, had the 5th best draft, and didn't post the best numbers from a single positional group, way to shoot for the stars honey!
I better watch myself as we all know she is thirsty for those LA boys. I can't really compete with hotness Herbert, and the human dildo that is Austin Ekeler. |
GRADE
|
RANK
|
START RANK
|
Season-ending Draft Grade
|
56%
|
5th
|
3rd
|
Ellie's draft was buoyed by three great picks that are all in the running here, with Herbert in the 7th, Ekeler in the 3rd, and Hollywood Brown in the 14th all posting similar value scores. I am going with Herbert as he is by far the dreamiest of the bunch.
|
#6
|
Shailene Woodleys (7 - 7)
|
TROPHIES & AWARDS
NFL Equivalent
Kirk Cousins
I may love the way the man throws a football, but if there is anyone in the NFL I suspect is made from silicone it's Kirky. Now Larry was created for a far more sinful purpose, whereas Kirk is the Manchurian candidate for the Christian Right. Not saying Kirk hasn't been mouth-fucked by a priest or two, but the intent was far different.
Larry Is proof that the bulk of the DDFL Is dogshit at fantasy football, as his method annually auto-drafting netted him the 2nd best draft out of everyone. |
GRADE
|
RANK
|
START RANK
|
Season-ending Draft Grade
|
89%
|
2nd
|
4th
|
#7
|
Orville Sash (6 - 8)
|
TROPHIES & AWARDS
NFL Equivalent
November 2011 Albert Haynesworth
I think that James has earned this comparison, for the uninitiated. James may have talent, but that talent is wasted through sheer laziness. James basically took the 5th graded draft and said.... I'm good. Making only around 10 transactions throughout the season. With that little effort in improving his roster it is a surprise that he ends up this high.
James' roster was full of okay guys, but no one stood out. His MVP was only the RB7 which means he was below average for a lead back. Whether his lack of effort is due to losing a love of the game, or distractions due to his immense wealth, only time will tell. |
GRADE
|
RANK
|
START RANK
|
Season-ending Draft Grade
|
33%
|
7th
|
5th
|
Jalen Hurts was an incredible pick in the 14th round, high upside with a low enough floor due to his rushing ability. Now the crazy part, Hurts ended the season as QB9 while Lamar Jackson Jame's 2nd round pick ended as the QB15. If ever there was an example of the dangers of taking a QB early....
|
#8
|
Cougartown Zombie (4 - 10)
|
TROPHIES & AWARDS
NFL Equivalent
The Shambling Corpse of Hugh Jackson
With the death of Cougartown the DDFL was striken of it's Taco. Cougartown had all the stupidity of Taco and none of his charm. Now as the corpse rose from the grave all the more powerful than before, somehow someway this disaster of a roster beat two of our fellow DDFL teams. If Dalton line is the benchmark for average, the Cougartown line from here on out will be the DDFL's benchmark for the worst of the worst. If you end up below this line you are the human equivalent of microwaving a grapefruit to fuck it and burning your dick. She had the single worst draft pick, and far and away the worst draft out of everyone, with not a single pick scoring higher than a 76%
Sarah and Clayton, you should be ashamed of yourselves. |
MVP - Patty Mahomes, QB / Leprechaun
Debbie's Paradox = Having your MVP somehow still be the WORST draft pick out of every pick in the draft. Debbie taking the QB4 with the first overall pick was, by a large margin, graded as the worst pick out of the draft entirely. Debbie used the most premium asset in all of fantasy football for a slightly above average QB production.
|
GRADE
|
RANK
|
START RANK
|
Season-ending Draft Grade
|
0%
|
10th
|
10th
|
|
#9
|
He.Diggs.the.Dr (5 - 9)
|
TROPHIES & AWARDS
NFL Equivalent
The Dream Team Philadelphia Eagles of 2011
Dr. Sarah Sperry, known nerd, data scientist, super smarty, or is she still the sister who in high school was convinced that blind people could drive? Her CV spells out someone who should be a fantasy dynamo, but instead she ends up in the ER routinely for tripping and falling.
Like the Dream Team, she has all the pieces. And if you were to create a dream fantasy player you might pick someone like her. Instead she is just a massive fucking disappointment. She spent the early season at the top of the Power Rankings only to fall below the Cougarline, basically the bottom of the outhouse toilet at an Arby's in Texas. Let's take a look at how she got there:
|
GRADE
|
RANK
|
START RANK
|
Season-ending Draft Grade
|
78%
|
3rd
|
2nd
|
#10
|
Butt Crystals (6 - 8)
|
TROPHIES & AWARDS
NFL Equivalent
Rudy
There was a time where Clayton was the underdog story of the DDFL. Week by week he held on to unlikely odds to make the playoffs, but still kept fighting. Despite how heartwarming the story the truth eventually came out. Hobbits SUCK at football. And after his brief moment in the sun Clayton was forced to be the hairy-footed handmaid to some little bitch whining about their jewelry. Forced into indentured servitude all for the slimmest chance at that sweet sweet hairy Elijah's wood.
That Is low. Now I can only look at the former Cinderella with morbid curiosity, like watching gifs of pimple popping. He is the ruptured hemorrhoid on the anus that is the DDFL. |
GRADE
|
RANK
|
START RANK
|
Season-ending Draft Grade
|
11%
|
9th
|
8th
|